How To JFA
Got someone you’re worried about? Do they have firearms? Then get to it!
It might feel any manner of awkward, weird, and uncomfortable to talk about firearms in connection with suicide. But if you save a life, a little discomfort was worth it. Here’s a step-by-step guide on how to have that conversation. You can print this page or download the conversation guide.
001. ASSESS
Most veterans can recognize the more overt and obvious signs that someone they know may be “suicidal.”
“THERE’S THAT JOKE: NOTHING MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF MORE THAN A SUICIDE PREVENTION POWER POINT IN THE MILITARY.’ IT’S FUNNY BUT THE FACT IS BECAUSE OF THOSE PRESENTATIONS WE DO KNOW THE SIGNS NOW.”
If you’re not sure what these tell-tale signs are, that’s okay! Let’s review a few:
Dramatic changes in behavior, especially risky behavior
Signs of despair, or saying things like “I have no reason to live” or “have no way out”
Withdrawing or isolating from others
Intense rage, anxiety, or agitation
Increased alcohol or drug use.
Many times, a life event such as a breakup, job loss, or just a bad day at work can trigger a mental health crisis.
There are more signs to watch for but sometimes it’s just not so clear to us as an outsider. Does your friend seem down? Is your buddy acting weird? Ultimately, you have to use your gut and knowledge of this individual to make the call.
002. APPROACH (BUT KEEP IT LOW-KEY!)
You’ve assessed the situation and you have reason to believe a friend is in danger. You want to talk to him/her about it.
“TRY NOT TO OPEN WITH, ‘YOU SEEM REALLY FUCKED UP.’ TAKE A BREATH AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY.”
How to ask about suicidal thoughts: There are a lot of people who advocate for the full-frontal approach when discussing suicide: ‘Are you feeling suicidal?” or “Are you thinking about killing yourself?”
The blunt approach is appealing, and it’s definitely one way to go. If that’s your style, go for it.
There is also recent data that shows that there is more than one way to ask, and sometimes using a more indirect approach can be successful. The Crisis Text Line analyzed 75 million text interactions with people who were reaching out for help and found that a more indirect approach, layered with an empathetic statement, was more often successful.
An example:
A counselor speaking to a texter dealing with a breakup, for example, would say this: “Sometimes when people go through a breakup, they may have thoughts of ending their life. I want to check-in, have you had any of these thoughts?“ Another example might look like this: “With all of your sadness about the breakup, I just want to check in about your safety. Have you had any thoughts about death or dying?”
Veteran translation:
“Man, we all know that when the shit hits the fan, a lot of people we know think about ending it all. Are you having any thoughts about death?
If they say “yes”, you need to find out more. But first, a few key things to remember:
Don’t judge
Don’t express shock
No guilt or shame
Then:
Listen.
What’s going on in their life right now?
Find out if they have a specific plan to kill themselves
If the danger seems immediate, don’t leave your friend alone and seek professional help immediately. Check out our resource page for more info on where to go for help.
But even if a buddy says, “No, I’m not suicidal, I’m not thinking about death,” that doesn’t mean they are safe.
Because suicide attempts are often so impulsive, someone can be at risk of suicide even if they aren’t “suicidal” right when you ask them. It goes back to that “fuck it” moment, where half of the suicide attempters thought about it for 10 minutes or less. Sometimes the clear crisis moment happens when no one is around, and it’s too late for you to intervene. Best-case scenario, you make a plan together before it gets to that point.
So if you’re still worried, it’s still better to go there and have a conversation about firearms.
003. JUST FUCKING ASK (ABOUT FIREARMS)
So, your buddy’s in a bad place. Maybe they have said they’re thinking about suicide; maybe they say they aren’t but you’re still worried. It’s time to just JUST FUCKING ASK. Firearms are tools. There are moments in everyone’s life when it’s not a good idea to operate a dangerous tool. Think, “Friends Don’t Let Friends Drive Drunk,” only it’s firearms instead of keys.
Here are a few suggestions on what to say:
You might be pissed at me for asking this question but it will be worth it to me if it saves your life. Can I help you store your guns differently for a while?
You seem like you’re going through a rough time. I would feel better if I held onto your firearms for a while. Even if you’re not worried about yourself, I am.
I’m worried about you. Since you’re in a shitty place, can we make a plan for your firearms?
We all know what can happen when someone hits rock bottom and there’s a gun right there. I don’t want that to happen to you. Can I help you secure your firearms?
It can be an uncomfortable conversation but the discomfort is worth it if it saves your friend’s life. The most important thing to remember is to act on your concerns and accept that there is no perfect way to do this. Trust your instincts, and in the fact that your intentions are good and your friend will know that.
004. MAKE A PLAN (PROTECTIVE STORAGE MEASURES)
You’ve broached the topic of firearm protective storage measures with your friend. He’s agreed. Great. Now it’s time to execute a plan. The idea is to create decision points between impulse and action. There are a number of different options, depending on what your friend is comfortable with. Click here for the continuum of options.
Something to remember: this is an act of free will. No one is going to force anyone to do anything. This is between you and your buddy. It’s a choice to take steps to avoid a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
PROTECTIVE STORAGE OPTIONS
Let’s talk about the physical options for protective storage of firearms. There are different ways to secure those firearms until the dark moment(s) pass.
OUTSIDE THE HOME
The safest option is to get the firearms out of the house temporarily. Can you hold onto them for a while? Do you know someone else who can?
If you are worried about holding onto them, there are businesses that can store them for you, including gun ranges and bonded storage facilities. Search for “firearms storage facilities” or ask your local gun retailer. Certain businesses even offer to pick up services. You don’t have to say why your friend wants to store a firearm out of the home, because customers use these facilities for different reasons (other possible reasons can include going on an extended trip and fearing a break-in, for example).
A few examples of these facilities:
IN THE HOME
You asked if you could hold onto those guns, and got a “hell no.” If getting them out of the house isn’t an option, there are other ways to help your friend create that critical time & distance between impulse and action.
Create a physical barrier to access:
Remove the firing pin or the slide.
Put a cable lock on the firearms and you take the key (or someone else in the home controls the key)
Change the safe combo
Remove all ammo from the home
Create a delay to access:
Help your buddy disassemble the firearms; this will give your friend time to think before picking them up and using them
Put a cable lock on the firearms: even if your friend has the key, he/she will have to go through the extra step of unlocking the cable lock to get to it. That delay can provide a critical moment to have second thoughts.
005. GET BACK UP
If you can help it, don’t do this alone. After you deal with the protective storage measures, get back up.
Can family and/or friends help out?
Can you convince your buddy to seek professional help? If they say yes, help with the follow-through.
Can you talk to a family member together?
Can you help him/her with an appointment?
Can you drive them to it?
Check out our Resource page for places to go for help.
006. THE BIG QUESTION: WHEN ARE THEY OKAY?
Best case scenario, you J.F.A.’d, your buddy agreed and secured those firearms, then got some help. How do you know when it’s okay to give back those guns or to relax on the protective storage measures?
The hard truth is that’s there is no way to be certain. This is an imperfect process, and ultimately there are parts of it that you can’t control. Ask questions. Use your gut. But you have to remember that you can’t “fix” the problem. That’s why it’s important to try to get back up on this mission – family and friends, as well as professional mental health care. No matter what happens, you did everything you could to your buddy’s life.
IF ALL ELSE FAILS
Let’s say your buddy absolutely refuses to put any physical distance or delay between him/herself and those guns. Help your buddy put up “emotional barriers” to a possible suicide attempt. Who or what motivates your friend to want to stay alive? Use that to help slow your buddy down and give a moment or two to think before taking a step they can’t take back. Remember, no one can un-fire a gun.
Ideas:
Place pictures of family and/or friends in the gun safe
Wrap a family or friend’s photo around the firearm